Almost a year ago, I stopped taking birth control. It was with an air of excitement that I discarded my last pack of BC pills and began planning to become a mother. What should we name him/her? Will he have my eyes? Will she have curly hair like her father? Will I be a good mom? How will I decorate the nursery? SQUEAL. Surly, it wouldn't take that long, right? All we needed for my dream to come true was one sperm to attach to one egg. One sperm. One egg. One out of millions. Unfortunately, making a baby is not quite as easy as they make it sound in biology class.
The arrival of Aunt Flo, unappreciated even before trying to conceive (TTC), is now considered D-Day at our house. Her presence means yet another month of feeling hopeless- wondering, "will it ever be my turn?"
Aside from an almost visible aura of despair hanging around my head, Aunt Flo also brings with her painful cramps, dizzying mood swings, an unparalleled appreciation of pain medication, and a rise in our electric bill thanks to my gratuitous use of the heating pad. And, if she's feeling particularly devious, she will also throw in a wide array of intestinal issues (we won't go into detail here as I'm fairly certain you will have gotten it- let's just say Pepto is a God send), and most recently, heartburn. In fact, I look forward to her monthly visit as much as a root canal. A horrible crop killing drought. Spending $5 per gallon at the gas pump. You get the idea. In short, she is an unwelcome guest. As unwelcome as termites in a log cabin.
So, here I am, waiting. Always waiting. Waiting to see if Aunt Flo dares to show her ugly face. Waiting to see if my dream of motherhood will come true. Waiting to find out if this is the month. My cycles usually last about 28-40 days, so as I said before, I am waiting. In the dictionary, right under the definition of 'waiting,' you will find a picture of me. Probably holding my pain meds and heating pad. And quite possibly wearing a scowl.
But I have to wonder if God is trying to teach me something. I have frequently prayed for Him to bless me with patience, a trait I have often struggled with. Now I find myself saying, "God, I didn't mean teaching me this lesson by with-holding something I desperately want so much I can taste it." I also have a nasty habit of trying to plan my own life, sometimes at His exclusion. So, maybe this is exactly what I need. (As much as I hate to admit it). After all, God knows exactly what is best for me, despite my best efforts to show that I know what's best for me (I don't). He has a plan for me, a plan far greater than I could ever have for myself. This is what gets me through the waiting. Albeit not always patient waiting. And who knows? One day (hopefully soon), I may not have to wait any more.
An appropriate quote, I think: "The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry." Stop planning. Start living. Stop planning. Start appreciating. Stop planning. Start listening to God.
The arrival of Aunt Flo, unappreciated even before trying to conceive (TTC), is now considered D-Day at our house. Her presence means yet another month of feeling hopeless- wondering, "will it ever be my turn?"
Aside from an almost visible aura of despair hanging around my head, Aunt Flo also brings with her painful cramps, dizzying mood swings, an unparalleled appreciation of pain medication, and a rise in our electric bill thanks to my gratuitous use of the heating pad. And, if she's feeling particularly devious, she will also throw in a wide array of intestinal issues (we won't go into detail here as I'm fairly certain you will have gotten it- let's just say Pepto is a God send), and most recently, heartburn. In fact, I look forward to her monthly visit as much as a root canal. A horrible crop killing drought. Spending $5 per gallon at the gas pump. You get the idea. In short, she is an unwelcome guest. As unwelcome as termites in a log cabin.
So, here I am, waiting. Always waiting. Waiting to see if Aunt Flo dares to show her ugly face. Waiting to see if my dream of motherhood will come true. Waiting to find out if this is the month. My cycles usually last about 28-40 days, so as I said before, I am waiting. In the dictionary, right under the definition of 'waiting,' you will find a picture of me. Probably holding my pain meds and heating pad. And quite possibly wearing a scowl.
But I have to wonder if God is trying to teach me something. I have frequently prayed for Him to bless me with patience, a trait I have often struggled with. Now I find myself saying, "God, I didn't mean teaching me this lesson by with-holding something I desperately want so much I can taste it." I also have a nasty habit of trying to plan my own life, sometimes at His exclusion. So, maybe this is exactly what I need. (As much as I hate to admit it). After all, God knows exactly what is best for me, despite my best efforts to show that I know what's best for me (I don't). He has a plan for me, a plan far greater than I could ever have for myself. This is what gets me through the waiting. Albeit not always patient waiting. And who knows? One day (hopefully soon), I may not have to wait any more.
An appropriate quote, I think: "The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry." Stop planning. Start living. Stop planning. Start appreciating. Stop planning. Start listening to God.
This is me on D-Day. That's the visible aura of despair I was talking about. Hubby must have snapped this picture when I wasn't paying attention.
Oh Jess. My heart goes out to you. I've been there. I know the hurt, the disappointment, the feelings of despair, anger, and almost resentment. I also know the smell and feel of a newborn fresh from a bath, the joy of their first smile, and the overwhelming love that comes when holding that sleeping baby. Your time is coming my sweet friend. He or she will be so worth it. It stinks right now, big time, and my heart breaks for you but joy comes in the morning. God's timing is perfect. Read Galatians 6:9. Love
ReplyDeleteya girl and know that I'm always here if you need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen or a baby to smell!
I think God made you wait a little longer because he was waiting for me to be ready to have a baby sometime sorta near you so that our kids can be BFFs too...or the next Corey and Topanga lol!
ReplyDeleteAriel- Thank you! And you know I will probably take you up on that offer, sooner rather than later.
ReplyDeleteRachie- Our children will be up to no good, I am fairly certain of it.