What Hurts the Most

***Note***
I wrote this maybe a week and a half ago. I decided then not to post it, to give myself some time to think about it. I'm not sure how people will react to this, but I need to get it out. I need someone, anyone, to maybe understand just a little of what I'm feeling. These feelings aren't going away. They're not warm and fuzzy feelings. They'll slap you in the face (or maybe the heart).

**DISCLAIMER**
When I wrote this, I wasn't sure I would share it. I want people to understand what I'm feeling and going through, but I know that most people can't. But before you read this, you need to know that it is raw and unedited. I am angry and hurt and very very sad, and I did not curb any of those emotions while writing this. Some of it may sound mean or maybe even a little unreasonable to people on the outside, but it's how I feel right now. So think about it before you read this. If you don't feel like you could handle this amount of emotion right now, then stop reading. But I won't apologize for what's written here. You've been warned.



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People keep asking me how I feel. And the truth is that I'm not quite sure how to answer that question. I think people expect me to say that I'm fine. Or that I'm mending. Or coping. Or any number of other socially acceptable responses to that question.

But I don't think they expect me to say that I'm angry. That I cry most of the day, and that I have seriously contemplated smashing most of my breakable belongings. That I want to scream at God. I want to know why this happened to me. Why was it my baby that had to go to Heaven? Why did He have to make it so hard for us to get pregnant, and then take it away? No, people don't expect a flood of emotions.

So I don't say anything. Or I say, "I'll be okay."

That statement couldn't be farther from the truth. I know one day, I'll heal. But I don't see that day coming around in a hurry. And at this moment in time, my primary emotion is anger. I am angry. I am very angry.

Someone I work with told me that maybe this was a blessing. Really? A blessing? She already has one healthy child and another on the way. I know she doesn't understand. But how can I see this as a blessing? It is terrible and heartbreaking. She got pregnant the first month off birth control with a man she wasn't even married to at the time. And that makes me angry. Its not fair.

You might say that life isn't fair. Which another person has also told me. I know that. I know it isn't fair. Because if it was, my baby would still be growing. I would have gotten to hear his heartbeat and see it on the ultrasound. I would have gotten to feel her move and see my belly swell with the life inside me. But I won't.

So then people say, "well, you'll get pregnant again. I know you'll have kids." How do you know that? Has God let you in on what He has planned for my life? Because if He has, please let me know. How is that supposed to make me feel any better? By saying that, people are basically making a promise that they couldn't possibly keep. And if I don't or can't get pregnant in the future, what then? Are you going to give me one of your children? How are you going to fulfill that? You can't. And so it doesn't help.

"Well, its a process you have to go through." No. This isn't just some process. My heart and my faith are seriously damaged and I don't know how to fix it.

You know, I passed some clots yesterday and again today. So while it seems that everyone around me gets to see or feel their baby, I'm wiping away the blood and tissue that was supposed to bring me the greatest joy in my life. And as I wipe away a blood clot, I think, "I wonder what that would've turned into? A heart? The left arm? Maybe those sweet toes that I would've kissed." And so people I work with, people I know outside of work- they bring in their sonogram pictures and they talk about hearing the hearbeat- and I'm really trying to feel happy for them. But while their hearts are filled with happiness, I am literally flushing my baby down the toilet. And it is crushing me.

Sometimes, I feel like I can't breathe with the pain of it. My heart physically hurts. And still, I am angry. And sad. And anxious. And heartborken. And [fill in an emotion here].

I know people are trying to help because they care about me. But maybe what I need right now is for someone to say, "you have every right to cry and scream and be angry." Maybe instead of offering up little bits of "wisdom" and misguided advice, just listen to me while I cry out my frustration and pain. Because, right now, I feel very alone. I don't know how to talk about this to people. I don't know how to open up about this because I fear people will tell me to "just get over it." Or that they'll put a timeline on my grief. Or they won't understand my anger and sadness, which is very real and very deep.

So, what I need the most right now is to feel God with me because it has become aparent to me that people don't know how to react or how to help. I need to know that He's not left me to deal with this without Him. But I don't. I don't feel him here. And that scares me. And makes me feel completely, and utterly, alone. And maybe that's what hurts the most.