Lost

I've always wanted to adopt. It's a beautiful metaphor for what God's done with us- His children. Really though, its not just a metaphor... its literally what he's done for us- taking us out of sin and the threat of Hell, and into His outstretched arms. Its a beautiful thing.

But now that its looking more and more like that's the only way I'll ever be able to have kids, I'm reluctant.

I want my own. I want to carry them in my tummy. I want the anxious excitement- who will he look like? Will she have hair or be bald like I was until she's 2? I want to be able to call my parents and say, 'hey mom! You're going to be a grandma!'

Maybe I'm being selfish. But every negative test feels like a punch to the stomach. More like a punch to the heart. And I'm not ready to consider that fact that maybe God's plan has always been for me to adopt.

I'm heartbroken. And angry. Why is this happening to me?

If anyone has the answer, feel free to share. Because I'm lost. I'm lost in the dark and I can't see any light.